


Worth Saving

by dk323



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28209840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dk323/pseuds/dk323
Summary: Cas makes an emotional confession to Dean, but The Empty only takes Billie. Being left behind has Cas reassessing how he feels.After Jack senses a presence, Dean heads out with him to check out the lead -- hoping to find someone else besides them who wasn't dusted by Chuck yet.Meanwhile, Sam and Cas's time together in the Bunker is going alright until Sam suddenly falls ill -- Cas's healing failing to help in the way Cas wishes. A difficult choice must be made.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Magik458](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magik458/gifts).



> This story was written for the Sastiel New Year's Gift Exchange 2020 hosted by [ Sastiel Creations Challenge](https://sastielcreationschallenge.tumblr.com/). Thank you to the Mod for putting this together! 
> 
> This story is a gift to [Magik458](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magik458/profile). I put in a good dose of hurt/comfort, which was one of your requests. :) This story was hard to write at times, but I was pleased with the result. 
> 
> Also, there are parts from episode 15x19 as you can tell from the summary. I can only imagine the kind of awkward road trip with just Dean and Jack. ;) lol And I guess if Michael wanted to stay off Chuck's radar, he wouldn't teleport/fly? So that would mean Michael would be in the backseat of the Impala on the way back to the Bunker. Yeah, even more awkward there...

Dean's phone was ringing, sounding so loud in the tense silence.

"Dean," Cas said in a soft voice. "That has to be Sam."

After looking at the phone, Dean stood up and handed it to Cas.

"You can answer it. I gotta get some air. I'll be back."

Cas stared at him in disbelief.

Dean shrugged and turned away from him. He ran his hand against the back of his head as he made his way out of the room.

Cas shook his head and answered the phone. Sam was very likely worried and he really shouldn't keep him waiting.

"Cas? Why are you answering Dean's cell? Are you okay? Is Dean okay?

"Yes, we're both fine. Dean had to step out. He wanted me to take the call."

"Cas, you gotta check on Dean," Sam directed him, sounding urgent. "Everyone's gone. It's just me and Jack here. All the people we wanted to protect… the ones Billie wanted to take out--"

"It was Chuck, Sam," Cas cut in, wanting him to know who they should really be concerned about now. "Billie told us. He's taking out even those who didn't defy death or come from other worlds."

"Seriously? I should have… I wish there was more I could have done. Cas, what happened? Are you sure you're good? You sound different."

"I'm as good as I can be considering our situation. And you did the best you could. There's not much we can do against Chuck now," Cas told him, trying to reassure Sam. "But Billie is gone, Sam. That's one positive development. The Empty took her."

He heard Sam sigh over the phone. "Okay, okay. Can you give the phone to Dean?"

"Of course." Cas said and he started walking down the hallway, heading outside the Bunker where he knew Dean was.

"Jack and I will head back to the Bunker. You two be careful, got it? If Chuck is behind this, we don't want to be next."

"Yes, and you as well, Sam. How is Jack?"

There was a few moments' pause before Sam answered.

"He's alright, well… considering seeing everyone disappear. I wish there was more I can do." Sam said, sounding sad and a little defeated.

"I know, Sam. Jack is taking this hard. He wants to help but he doesn't feel like he can in the way he expected to."

"Yeah. I'll talk to him on the drive back."

"I did try to get through to Jack earlier,” Cas let him know. “I hope some of my words resonated."

"I bet they did. You're a better father to him than I ever could be," Sam told him.

"You _are_ a good father and mentor to Jack, Sam. Do not think otherwise. I have faith in you." Cas told him with emphasis, refusing to allow Sam to doubt himself.

Sam thanked him and Cas handed the phone off to Dean.

Dean gave him a weird look that Cas found hard to decipher. He was well aware that Dean needed to talk to him. Cas didn’t receive much of a response from him after what he had told Dean. 

Then again, he truly hadn’t expected a reply -- at least one a small part of him wished for. He mostly had made peace that Dean wouldn’t feel the same way as Cas did for him.

Cas could hear that Sam and Dean were arguing. Sam was telling Dean that he should answer his damn phone himself when he called. Especially after Sam saw all the hunters he had hoped to protect disappear, he didn’t need the added worry of his own brother not answering his call.

Dean tried to calm him down, but Cas couldn’t help but agree with Sam. Dean really shouldn’t have left to go outside, leaving his own phone with Cas. With people disappearing, they really had to keep an eye on each other. 

Cas hadn’t argued with Dean about staying in eyesight. His confession and The Empty not taking him away as expected had completely distracted Cas. 

Seeming to calm Sam down enough, Dean ended the call, reassuring Sam he and Cas would stick together. That meant if either of them vanished thanks to Chuck -- the other would know about it. Better to know than not to, after all.

The two of them went back inside the Bunker and headed to the kitchen. Dean grabbed a bottle of beer while Cas made himself some hot coffee. Dean raised his eyebrow at him.

“The caffeine will not work on me, but I appreciate the smell of coffee,” Cas told him by way of explanation. 

He added the French vanilla coffee creamer to the coffee, and Dean quipped that he bought that for Sam as a joke. Dean was sure Sam used the creamer sometimes when Dean wasn’t looking. Cas couldn’t help but smile at the antics between the brothers. There was something comforting about it. 

“I like the creamer,” Cas remarked. 

He may only taste the molecules of food and drinks, but luckily, things like the creamer blended with the coffee sort of worked for him. Drinking this hot drink was not as unpleasant as he would have feared.

Once they sat down on opposite sides of the table, Dean gave Cas a meaningful look. He frowned and said, “Look, Cas -- that last thing you said --”

Cas shook his head. “I thought I would die, that The Empty would drag me away per our deal. There’s no need to talk about this.”

“I think we gotta,” Dean insisted. “Look, you’re _family_ , Cas. I love you like a brother,” he said, tone firm. “I’m sorry if-- that’s _the truth_. That’s how I feel about you.”

Cas nodded, trying not to dwell on the disappointment he felt. A part of him wished The Empty had taken him so he would have avoided Dean’s response completely. That he could have died feeling true happiness at saying the words he’d kept inside. That would have been enough.

“I know,” Cas said tiredly. “I accept how you feel.”

Dean still looked unhappy about it, and a little awkward about this whole talk. “Cas, did you mean you loved me, you know, in _that_ way?” He wanted to know.

“Yes, Dean. That’s what I meant. In a romantic way. But it’s done. We are clear about our feelings.”

Dean let out a breath, looking relieved. “That’s good. Good we got that out. Thanks for understanding. I know it’s gotta hurt like a bitch on your end. You know you deserve someone who feels the same way as you do for me, right? Unrequited love or whatever, man, it sucks hard. You shouldn’t live like that. Promise me you’ll find someone who will love you the way you want.”

“I’m fine, Dean. I have you and Sam and Jack. The family we have formed is more than I ever planned on having. I love all of you more than my brothers and sisters in Heaven. I’m very grateful for the life I have now. But I appreciate your concern,” Cas said, his words genuine. 

He let out a smile, hoping it was a reassuring one that Dean would accept.

Dean nodded. “Okay. Glad to hear that. I know it’s weird for you being an angel… and well, Chuck pretty much dusted everyone on the planet, but when things are set right and _they will be_ ,” Dean declared. 

He sounded confident their small group could defeat God of all beings -- that being a tall task was an understatement. “--you _should_ make an effort. You deserve to be happy in that way-- to have a significant other or whatever.”

“I will try. I promise.” Cas said. He patted Dean’s hand.

***********

Sam and Jack returned to the Bunker with Sam looking so relieved to see Dean and Cas alive and kicking.

Sam went to hug Dean, embracing him tightly.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm still here," Dean said, but he returned the hug all the same.

Cas smiled at them and then in concern, he went to Jack who had a sad look on his face.

Cas reached out his hand placing it on Jack's shoulder.

"How are you?"

"When we were driving back, we saw no one, Cas. Everyone is gone. Chuck took them all."

Cas sighed and hugged him.

"We'll figure this out. We won't let Chuck win." He said confidently, wanting so much to reassure Jack.

Jack nodded, seeming to take in Cas's words. He pulled out of the embrace and went to sit at the kitchen table. He appeared to be deep in thought. 

Sam went over to hug Cas, pulling him into an embrace.

"Glad you're still here," Sam told him genuinely. "I was so worried on my way here with Jack that you and Dean would have vanished. And that we'd be returning to an empty bunker."

Cas smiled, knowing how lucky he was since he had been so close to being taken by the Empty. 

Now that he had escaped that fate, Cas was so grateful to see Jack and Sam again. To be with his family, with those he loved if only for a little while longer.

After all, he didn't know if The Empty would return, changing its mind and deciding on dragging Cas back into The Empty.

"I feel the same, Sam. I'm happy that you weren't taken by Chuck," Cas said to him. 

He felt at peace when he was with Sam. He always appreciated when Sam showed him affection through one of his hugs.

Then Jack's voice drew their attention toward him.

"Guys, I-- I think I sense a presence. There could be someone out there besides us."

That announcement put Cas on high alert.

"Jack, are you sure?" Sam questioned him. "Can you tell who or what it is?"

Jack shook his head, looking down in disappointment. "I'm sorry. I can only locate where the presence is. We need to go there to see who it could be. But I'm positive of the presence. We have to look into this."

Dean looked curious. "Thought you were powered down? How are you sensing anything?"

Jack shrugged. "I'm not sure. But I can't deny that I feel something out there."

Dean seemed eager as he clapped his hands. "Okay, sounds good to me. I'll head out with Jack to investigate this. You two hold down the fort here."

Sam frowned. "Dean, no. We should all go. We shouldn't split up."

Dean shook his head. "No, it's better someone stays in the Bunker. Don't want to leave the Bunker empty. Maybe you two could go through the books and help that way. Or something. Please, Sam. Stay here," Dean urged at Sam's still upset look. 

Sam looked like he wanted to say something in response. Cas placed his hand on Sam's arm, hoping to placate him.

"Sam, I think it's a good idea," Cas told him. "It'll be okay. And if Jack and Dean do find this someone, they will bring them back here. We need to be here to prepare a room for the guest. And make sure the warding remains secure. Most likely It won't keep Chuck away, but it will give us some peace of mind we did all we can."

Sam sighed. "Fine. Not happy about having Dean and Jack leave, but I'll stay with Cas. Be careful, alright? The both of you."

Dean looked relieved, seeming grateful for Sam's acceptance.

"I promise, Sam." Jack said.

Dean nodded.

Sam hugged Jack tight, lingering a bit as if he had trouble letting Jack go. 

After Jack, Dean went over to hug Sam too, clapping him on the back. 

Dean gave Cas a quick hug. Cas was sure he heard Dean say sorry to him. Cas didn't want to dwell on the reason for the apology. Dean had already apologized and Cas didn't need to hear it again.

He was glad to have time away from Dean. While it was good that they had made their feelings clear, Cas still couldn't fully vanquish the hurt he felt.

Once Dean and Jack left, Sam gave Cas an expectant look. "What happened when The Empty took Billie? How did you get the Empty to come here to the Bunker?"

"Sam-- how do you--?"

"You had this sad expression when you looked at Dean. Something happened-- more than The Empty passing by and taking Billie."

*************************


	2. Chapter 2

Cas sat down, putting his hands over his face. Sam went to sit down across from him. He started coughing, which had Cas looking at him in concern.

Sam shrugged it off. "I'm good. Throat's a little ticklish, I guess."

He let out another cough, but Cas could see Sam attempting to stop it. Sam turned away from him and took several deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling.

"Sam, perhaps we should discuss this at another time. You should get something for your throat."

Sam shook his head. "No, it's okay. I want to know. I can't wait."

Although as if to appease Cas, Sam went over to a kitchen cabinet and grabbed a cough drop from inside, dropping it in his throat.

Sam sat down across from Cas and gave him a nod, encouraging him to speak.

"When Jack was dying months ago, I made a deal with The Empty to save him. As a part of the deal, I needed to experience a moment of true happiness. At that time, The Empty would take me," Cas told Sam.

Sam nodded. "Did this moment involve Dean?"

Cas looked surprised. "How did you know?"

"Cas, I knew from the beginning something was going on between you two. Even if it at times I began to doubt. Dean had his bad moments. I almost couldn't believe that you put up with how he treated you sometimes. You didn't deserve that, Cas."

"Thank you, Sam. It was difficult at times dealing with Dean. Still, I can't deny how I felt about him. I believed that my true happiness would be confessing my love to him. Confessing how much his presence in my life has changed me. That I could be at peace with just that,” he revealed to Sam.

Though as Cas continued to speak he was doubting what he’d believed would make him truly happy. “I didn't need Dean's response. Sacrificing myself was  _ enough _ . Saving Dean from Billie was _ enough _ ."

Cas paused. He sighed, not wishing to continue.

Sam reached out a hand and squeezed Cas's hand. 

"If I'd known ahead of time, I would have warned you, Cas. I'm sorry. Then again, I wasn't sure since you're not human. Maybe you were the exception for Dean."

Cas returned the pressure. He waved his other hand dismissively.

"It's alright, Sam. I knew Dean would never feel that way about me. Though a small part of me wished otherwise. We talked after he spoke to you on the phone. He told me he loved me like a brother," Cas let Sam know. "I will say now that the moment is gone, The Empty backing out of our deal without an explanation… I wonder if I was looking in the wrong place all along. Maybe I made a mistake," Cas admitted."After all, I have made my share of mistakes. Dean told me I should look elsewhere. That I deserve to have my love returned. But I need to find someone else because it is not Dean."

"Well, Dean's right. Being loved in return especially in a romantic way is better. You deserve it, Cas,” Sam told him, sounding sincere. He gave him a small smile. “I hope you find it. After we finish dealing with Chuck, of course."

Cas smiled. "Yes."

Sam looked like he wanted to say something else.

"There's never a right time, is there?" Sam asked, seemingly to no one.

Cas tilted his head at him, confused. 

Sam looked uncomfortable, staring down at the table. 

He looked up at Cas and smiled weakly. "I'm really glad you're here, Cas. Especially now knowing I could have never seen you again. The Empty better not return to take you. But at least if that happens…"

"It won't come back, Sam. The Empty has to be summoned. And if it didn't follow the terms of our deal, then I call the deal null and void. I have no plans to tempt Fate and get The Empty to drag me away into its dominion." Cas said, firm in his tone.

"Yeah, I hope the deal's off too. Still, at least I got this opportunity to say goodbye to you,” said Sam-- the happiness in his voice was hard to miss. “We barely spoke before you and Dean returned to the Bunker to stop Billie. Now we have our chance. And I wanted to say too how much you mean to me. I care about you and I'm happy to have you in my life."

"Thank you, Sam. I know that, but it is good to hear the words. Sometimes I feel I've gone from one failure to another. I’ve failed you too, remember? I brought you back without a soul, broke your Wall --"

"You made up for that. You’ve  _ saved my life _ ," Sam interrupted, his voice earnest. "I've forgiven you, okay?  _ I still _ forgive you. Don't forget that." Sam told him in no uncertain terms. 

He reached out and grabbed Cas's hand, interlocking their fingers.

Then Sam frowned and he gripped the edge of the table hard with his other hand.

“That’s weird,” he said in a whisper, more to himself. 

Cas watched Sam in concern. Something wasn’t right.

Sam pulled his hand away from Cas and he went to stand up. He blinked a few times, looking confused as he appeared to steady himself by placing his hand on the table.

Cas stood up and walked over to Sam. After kneeling down in front of Sam, he put his hand on Sam’s arm.

“Sam, what is it?”

“I was -- I don’t know. All of a sudden, even just sitting, I got dizzy. Like full on kitchen spinning, which makes no sense. I was feeling fine. I don’t think I have an ear infection.”

With a careful eye, Cas peered at Sam. He gave a silent question to Sam as he raised his hand. Sam nodded, allowing Cas to check him over. 

Cas sat down on the stool beside Sam. He placed his hand on Sam’s forehead, applying a light pressure as he concentrated.

His grace reached out toward Sam, tentative in its touch as it examined Sam from head to toe. 

“Perhaps you should lie down. I’ll help you get to your room,” Cas offered.

Sam shook his head. “No, that’s okay. I can walk there on my own. But thanks.”

Cas peered at Sam in disbelief. He relented, though Cas was still concerned about him. He had tried to heal Sam, but only partially managed to ease his symptoms. Something wasn’t right. Even with his limited grace, Cas still felt strongly that he should be capable of healing Sam’s dizziness and his coughing.

Scarcely a moment later, Sam coughed loudly this time-- a croaky, painful-sounding cough.

Sam walked slowly to the doorway of the kitchen. 

Feeling uncertain, Cas nevertheless spoke up. “Sam, it’s okay to ask for assistance. I want to help, so please let me.”

Sighing, Sam turned around to look at Cas. “It’s not about that. I know I’m not feeling well and I can’t do this alone,” he acknowledged. 

The cough wouldn’t leave him in peace as another round of coughs overtook him and Sam’s body shook with the force of them.

Outside of the kitchen, Sam had his back against the wall and he slid down it and covered his face in his hands.

“Sam, how are you?” Cas asked him softly. He sat down beside Sam.

“I still feel dizzy,” Sam said, looking over at him. “And my chest hurts from the coughing, wherever that came from. I’m too tired to go to my room,” he told Cas.

Worried, Cas placed his hand on Sam’s forehead. “You’re very warm. You have a fever,” he said.

Sam began to shiver, and he sighed in resignation, “Another thing making me feel miserable, great,” he said darkly.

Cas frowned, wishing he could fully heal Sam. He was perplexed that Sam was growing worse. He was sure he’d had partial success in healing Sam before. But it appeared his grace had completely failed. That led Cas to consider that Sam’s condition was not a simple human illness. The frustrating symptoms could have been Chuck’s doing for all he knew. As another attack against them for daring to defy him.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Cas said with a downcast look.

He helped Sam up off the floor. “Lean on me. We’ll go to your room and hopefully lying down in bed to rest will be a good first step.”

Sam nodded. He didn’t protest when Cas held him around the waist. Sam put his arm around Cas’s shoulders. 

Cas could feel Sam shivering, trembling against him more acutely through their present close contact.

They made it to Sam’s bedroom eventually -- possibly taking twice as long as normal. Sam’s cough halted him in its tracks and they made several stops so Sam could get the coughing out of his system. Every time, Cas attempted to reach out to Sam with his grace-- wanting badly to soothe Sam’s pains, but each time, his grace wouldn’t work. If Chuck was the architect behind this, then he could be behind Cas’s grace failing. Cas hated that thought. 

He couldn’t deny the feeling that the cause was something else… it was a sense he couldn’t shake. No, this couldn’t be Chuck. Why would he bother with making Sam sick? Cas imagined Chuck would be watching Jack and Dean more closely while they were out investigating the mysterious presence Jack sensed. He sincerely hoped the pair of them were being careful -- especially since Jack had no powers at his disposal right now.

Without a clear cause yet, Cas focused his attention on making Sam comfortable.

He couldn’t bear to see the pained look on Sam’s face. He rubbed Sam’s back as he fell into another coughing fit.

“You’re okay. Remember to breathe, in and out,” he told Sam in a low voice. He hoped his voice sounded soothing.

“I should get medication for your fever,” Cas decided. He moved to stand up from the chair at Sam’s bedside.

Sam reached out, grabbing Cas’s forearm. “Cas, I think I’m being punished… I wish I didn’t feel this way. I want to make it stop, but it won’t,” he said, but Cas couldn’t understand what Sam was going on about.

Then Cas took a moment to think over Sam’s words. Did Sam mean what he believed?

Sam gave a small laugh that descended into a cough. He laid his head back against the pillow.

“Well, like I said, never the right time. It’s never been the right time. I should just give up ever thinking there’d be a good time. I’m sorry, Cas… you’re still-- you and Dean. It’s too soon… I’ll-- please, tell me to be quiet.”

“I won’t, Sam,” Cas told him firmly. “There is no me and Dean. We were never together, so don’t worry yourself over something that never was. I made a confession to Dean, but it came to nothing. Now I feel grateful that I have been gifted this second chance. That I can still be here, with you, talking to you… that I’m not rotting away in an unwanted sleep in The Empty. Do you understand me?”

“I still think this is a punishment,” Sam insisted, though he sounded weak and unsure.

“It is not,” Cas argued, shaking his head.

He made to leave again, wanting to get medication and other items to help with Sam’s symptoms.

Again, Sam reached out to him, touching his arm to stop him from going.

“Cas, I know you’re not human, so you don’t deal with things the way we do. But you’ve got to still be conflicted,” Sam said, sounding so certain of that. “It’s  _ only been hours _ since you confessed to Dean when you believed The Empty would take you. That’s not long enough. If he was your moment of true happiness, you can’t brush that off so fast. Even if Dean told you he didn’t feel the same,” Sam told him. 

“I need water,” Sam announced as he coughed again. His throat had most likely gone dry.

Cas gave him a glass of water, which he had filled earlier while Sam had settled himself into his bed.

“I understand, Sam. You’re right, I do “deal with things” differently. I’m truly alright. I’m relieved that at least Dean and I know where each of us stand. I don’t want to waste my second chance dwelling on an unrequited love. I want someone I can share love with. In how the world is now -- thanks to Chuck’s cruelty -- I prefer to focus on that light at the end of the tunnel and not the dark tunnel itself.”

“Yeah, I have to remember that. Just thinking about being alone -- just you and me, Dean and Jack on this empty planet -- is frightening. And Chuck will probably never back down,” Sam said sadly.

"I believe we can find a solution. Don't lose faith, Sam.” He advised him. 

"When you say it, I want to believe too," Sam said. He let out a yawn. "I feel so tired. Some sleep should help. The coughing has exhausted the hell out of me."

Cas gripped his shoulder. "I'll get some medication for you. And maybe a damp towel for your fever?"

"Yeah, that sounds great. We can do both. Hoping the medicine will break the fever. But I’m game for the towel idea. Always liked it when I was sick."

“Good. I’ll be back shortly,” Cas assured him. He felt anxious that when he would leave, Sam would grow worse.

He couldn’t help but look back when he was at the doorway. Sam was looking far too pale. While Sam did give Cas a small smile when he noticed that he was staring at him, the smile soon turned into a grimace. 

Sam put his hand to his brow and settled back down into bed. His head rested firmly on the pillow and he turned away from Cas as if he didn’t want Cas to see him this way. It seemed like Sam was afflicted with a headache. 

Cas was quick to return to Sam after collecting the things he needed.

Cas placed the towel over Sam’s forehead. Sam smiled at him in gratitude. 

Eagerly, Sam swallowed the fever-reducing pills and drank the water Cas handed him after. Then, Sam asked him, "How do you know about the towel and the meds?"

Cas nodded, recounting to Sam, "During my time as a human, I looked after an infant who was stricken with fever. I was at a loss about what to do, so I asked Dean for help. For future reference, Dean wrote me a guide on how to treat some illnesses such as the flu, common cold or strep throat. That is, treat them the  _ human way _ . I did double-check some instructions. Some of them seemed strange."

Sam looked like he wanted to laugh. "Dean was messing with you. Yeah, not surprised. Glad you spotted that."

Cas let out a smile. “Yes. After knowing Dean for so long, I find it wise to err on the side of caution when he offers me advice.”

Sam was in agreement. “Oh yeah. You and me both.”

Another coughing fit overtook Sam at that point, which only increased Cas’s concern for him.

“Is there any blood?” Cas asked him, trying to be gentle about it.

“No, no it’s good. No blood. Just a pain in the -- it only hurts. But luckily no red,” Sam told him quickly.

At Cas’s significant look, Sam relented and gave him the tissue he’d coughed into. Cas didn’t put it past Sam to lie to him about how sick he was -- just so Cas wouldn’t worry too much.

Cas was relieved when Sam was telling the truth. He tossed the used tissue into the wastebasket.

“Perhaps I should call Dean to update him on your well-being?” Cas suggested. “He would want to know.”

“I don’t want Dean to worry. Please don’t call, Cas,  _ please _ .”

“Alright,” Cas backed down, the pleading tone in Sam’s voice swaying him. 

Sam looked so miserable. Cas didn’t wish to add more stress for him by having Dean be aware of Sam’s sudden illness.

“Do you want to talk about us? What is it that you wish to say to me, Sam? I won’t allow you to make excuses about it being too soon after my confession to Dean,” Cas was intent on adding in, not allowing Sam to shy away from this conversation. “Chuck may kill us at any moment. We should know how we feel about each other. Or would you rather die missing the chance to tell me what you clearly want to say?”

Sam looked away, seeming uncomfortable with the current topic. He removed the towel from his forehead.

“How are you feeling?” Cas asked him as he watched him set the cooled towel aside on the bed. “Are you still feverish?”

Sam shook his head. “I’m better. Thanks to you. The pills are helping, and the towel felt nice,” he said. “I think you should start first, Cas. I want to hear what you have to say,” Sam told him. 

Then another cough overtook him and Cas was patient as placed his hand upon Sam’s back as he coughed it out. Cas let out some of his grace, hoping against hope that his healing power would soothe Sam. Perhaps make the pain in his throat hurt less after these repeated coughing episodes.

“Of course. That’s for the best. You should conserve your voice in light of the sore throat,” Cas reasoned.

He was grateful that at least Sam wasn’t attempting to shift the talk to something else.

Cas placed his hand over Sam’s grabbing hold of it in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

“I appreciate our friendship, Sam. But I will admit there were times I wished that we were more than friends. That sharing more than friendship, perhaps sharing an intimacy would have been welcome. But with Jack and how I worried about him… I knew it would be best if the both of us were united in helping Jack. I feared if we were in a romantic relationship and we broke up, then we would have trouble being there for Jack when he needed us. Our friendship seemed like the safer option. And then, Eileen returned into your life and I didn’t want to spoil your happiness with her,” Cas told him, being honest with him.

“Cas-- I wish I’d known,” Sam said. “But I see it the same way -- I care about Jack and worry about him too. You were right in being careful. Even if a part of me wishes you would have taken the risk. But making sure Jack is okay, that he’s safe, is more important. Always,” Sam said with a nod. “I love you for not taking the risk and hate you for it too,” Sam admitted to him, giving him a weak smile. 

“If that makes any sense. Having Eileen return was great, but it’s … it’s hard to talk about her now after Chuck killed her. I love her, I do, but Cas -- you and I -- we’ve been through so much together over the years. My feelings for Eileen don’t compare to how I feel for you,” Sam let him know, his tone firm.

He paused then, as if he were waiting for something. 

“Does your throat hurt?” Cas asked him urgently, Sam’s illness taking priority.

Sam shook his head. “No, not as much as before. I thought I would start coughing after saying all that.”

“I used some of my grace to help, Sam. I wasn’t sure if it would work this time, but perhaps it did,” Cas said, smiling at him.

He was grateful that his power was finally weakening the strength of Sam’s affliction.

“Thanks, Cas,” Sam told him. “Glad your grace is working. Though with your limited supply, I feel bad if you have to strain yourself using what little you have,” Sam admitted, frowning.

Cas laid his hand on Sam’s head, his gesture affectionate as his fingers became entangled with locks of Sam’s hair. Sam’s eyes met his. Cas was pleased to see his eyes light up as he looked at Cas, in silent appreciation at Cas stroking his hair.

“Don’t feel bad, Sam. I won’t hear it. I feel fine, even better now that I’m helping you. I’m happy that I can help you through this illness in some small way.”

Sam nodded, his lips twitching into a smile. “So, does this mean you’re in love with me?” He asked, his words coming out slow, tentative. “Or is it the kind of love that comes from us in this messed up apocalyptic situation? And we’re just clinging to any glimmer of hope, which is acknowledging that we love each other in a romantic way?”

Cas frowned, not liking that Sam was thinking that way. His love for Sam wasn’t brought on by the present world-ending predicament they were in. 

He took action instead of speaking. He leaned forward and held Sam’s face in his hands, kissing him on the lips -- soft at first, but more passionate as Sam returned the kiss, accepting Cas’s answer.

“What do you believe?” Cas asked Sam, with a raised brow.

“Hmm, that you’re a good kisser,” Sam complimented him, grinning at him.

Cas couldn’t help but smile in return. 

They broke apart when Sam was holding back a yawn. 

“You should rest,” Cas advised. 

Sam looked unhappy about that. “I’m okay.”

Cas begged to differ. He studied Sam’s too pale face, his flushed cheeks and then the beads of sweat causing some strands of hair to stick to his forehead.

“You’ll recover faster when you sleep, Sam. Please. I’ll feel better if you rest,” Cas tried to convince him.

Sam sighed, still looking sadly at Cas. He laid back down on the bed, and Cas placed the towel on Sam’s forehead. He used some of his grace to cool the towel and keep the sweat at bay.

He watched Sam sleep, and though he knew Sam wouldn’t want Cas using his limited grace on him, Cas felt Sam was worth it. Cas reached his hand out, touching Sam on the top of his head. He let out his grace, ensuring that Sam would have a peaceful slumber.

********************


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke up to the sound of Cas’s calming voice saying his name.

He opened up his eyes to see Cas look at him, sorrow in his eyes.

Sam sat up in bed quickly, grabbing the towel from his brow and dropping it on the bed.

“Cas, what is it? What’s wrong?” Sam asked, his worry growing with each word spoken.

Sam couldn't stop the coughs from coming, preventing Cas from responding.

With a look of concern, Cas went to Sam and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Sam saw the blood on the tissue and tried not to panic. He could see that Cas was aware of it as his face fell. Sam breathed hard as the coughs subsided. 

"Sorry," Sam said in a whisper. His throat felt too dry.

"No need to apologize," Cas told him. "Breathe in and out. That should help. Don't allow your fear to win. You'll be okay. Inhale and exhale," Cas instructed him in a soft voice, rubbing Sam's back in a soothing motion.

Cas mustered up a smile for him. “Sam, I need to tell you that it’s me. It's my fault you're not well. I need to leave Earth so you can be healed.”

“I-- wait…” Sam stopped as he thought over what Cas said and how Cas was going to be dragged off by the Empty when that failed to happen.

“The balance needs to be restored? You were supposed to die, but you avoided that. And I was chosen to take your place? That explains me getting sick out of nowhere.”

Cas nodded. “I’m sorry, Sam. I never wanted this to happen to you,” he apologized to Sam earnestly. 

Sam shook his head, and he assured Cas he was alright with it. If his sickness meant he could finally tell Cas how he felt about the angel, then it was worth every minute.

“The one bright spot is I will not go to The Empty where all angels and demons go. I’m grateful for that,” Cas said, looking cheered at that good news as he smiled to himself. “I believe my irritating The Empty when Jack woke me up that one time caused The Empty to break our deal. I’m sure that the threat of me being a repeat nuisance helped.”

“Who told you all of this? That it was you staying on Earth causing me to get sick?”

Cas looked uncertain as he took some time to think before he said, “I apologize, Sam. I can’t tell you. But you will find out in the near future, I promise. It's someone who I trust. They will open a portal for me to go through, and I’ll be returning to Heaven.”

Sam raised his eyebrow. “Heaven? Really? Well, beats The Empty. Though I know you aren’t the biggest fan of the place even if it was your home for longer than Earth ever was.”

“Yes, I will choose Heaven over The Empty. Though my time here on Earth has been short compared to the many millennia I’ve lived; I’ve truly felt more at home on Earth, in this Bunker than I ever have in Heaven. But you are worth saving, Sam. If this means I can never return to Earth, then I will accept that,” Cas said, though he sounded glum about the prospect.

“I’ll never see you again?” Sam asked, already dreading the answer.

Cas shook his head. “You _will_ see me again -- Jack and Dean too -- but it won’t be on Earth. To make certain the balance is restored -- so that you live on as you should, as I want you to -- I can’t be on Earth. It’s not ideal, but it's preferable over you dying now from this illness or me heading to The Empty.”

Sam stood up slowly. The dizziness reared its unwanted head as he watched the room spin before his eyes. He gripped the nightstand, closing and then opening his eyes as an attempt to keep the dizziness at bay. 

He put up his hand to stop Cas from rushing over to assist him. He could do this on his own.

Thankfully, as Sam focused his gaze on Cas, the frustrating dizzy sensation lessened.

“Alright, I’ll make peace with that. If you say you trust this person helping you, then I trust them too. I’ll miss you. I’m glad I got to say goodbye to you… that we know how we feel about each other. It’s a gift I’ll never forget. But, I’ll _still_ miss you,” Sam repeated, sighing in resignation afterwards.

Cas hugged him.

A portal manifested behind Cas -- a bright white light emanating from the slit-shaped opening.

Cas pulled away from Sam and turned around to face the portal.

Sam didn't want Cas to go, but he knew it had to be done. Cas wanted to save him, and Sam accepted that. Honestly, he wasn't ready to die, which would have happened if this sickness had run its course. Sam couldn't imagine leaving Dean and Jack behind. They needed him and he wouldn't want them to watch him die.

"Cas, one last thing…" Sam spoke up, aiming for one last moment with one of his closest friends… and maybe now something more.

Cas turned to face Sam, an expectant look on his face.

Sam approached him and placed his hands on either side of Cas's face, kissing him to the point where he could scarcely breathe.

Cas smiled against his lips, kissing him back.

Sam reluctantly pulled away, gasping for air. His chest was aching badly. This unrelenting illness made it harder for him to breathe. He couldn't hold his breath like he wanted.

With a sad look, Cas reached out to Sam, placing his hand on Sam's neck.

Cas opened his mouth. Sam watched as tendrils of blue-white angel grace flowed out past his lips into Sam's mouth. Sam closed his eyes, feeling the welcome warmth as the grace healed him as it spread throughout his body.

Sam looked at Cas, eyes shining, conveying the gratitude he felt on his face. But they both knew the bittersweet truth why the grace was working now.

Cas was leaving, so the affliction Sam had been burdened with was losing strength.

Then Cas stepped away and Sam felt cold at the loss of his touch.

"I love you, Cas," Sam declared what they both already knew. But it did feel good to say the words.

Cas smiled at him, responding in Enochian with "I love you, too," knowing Sam would understand. Sam had never been more grateful for all those hours studying the Enochian language. 

Cas turned toward the portal and stepped into the opening. He looked back one last time at Sam, a look of peace upon his face.

Sam nodded, doing his best to give Cas a smile as he left.

Then Cas was gone through the portal, the white light fading away as the opening closed.

Sam's phone started vibrating. He had gotten a text from Dean. Although it turned out to be Jack as Sam read the text. Dean had to be driving at this point. 

The text said, "Hello Sam -- this is Jack. We're on our way back home. The presence was Michael. We found him in a church. How are you and Cas?"

Sam sighed, knowing the answer to that would be better done via a phone call or in person.

He suddenly was hit with a realization as he stared at Jack's text. The person Cas said he trusted.

Sam could only think of one person Cas would trust so easily. One who could possess-- or who had the potential to possess -- great power. Enough power to find a loophole to save Sam and keep Cas out of The Empty so the balance could be maintained.

It was Jack. It had to be Jack. From the future, of course, as his Jack had been busy with Dean tracking down the presence-- now confirmed as Michael.

Knowing Jack was involved in helping him and Cas gave Sam hope. They would win and Chuck would lose. And Jack would regain the power he'd lost.

Sam couldn't believe he hadn't realized it before when Cas had brought up this trustworthy person. But he _was_ thinking more clearly now. 

After Cas had left, his symptoms had decreased in intensity until they were completely gone. Like Sam hadn't been afflicted with sickness only moments ago.

Sam couldn't forget Jack doing the impossible all that time ago when he woke Cas up in The Empty. When both Sam and Dean were sure Cas was gone for good.

A feeling of calm settled over Sam as he thought of Cas spending time with Jack. He was happy Cas would be in good company.

And one day, Sam would reunite with Cas.

He smiled to himself at the thought.

*********************** 

**The End - Thank you for reading!**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


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